The Ice Cream Machine: Story VI

The space lab was truly enormous, but from far away, it looked like a slowly spinning gyroscope toy made of Styrofoam.

They were all friendly enough, but their razor-sharp fangs, massive claws, and writhing poisonous tentacles did make Phil a bit nervous.

Larf was astoundingly agile—he could jump and flip off the walls like a video-game ninja.

Since Larf couldn’t see very well and Fleebar couldn’t move very well, they worked together to get around. Larf carried Fleebar above his head, and she directed him where to go. (The mysterious scientist who planned the experiment considered this sort of interspecies collaboration a great success.)

All 347 creatures on board spoke a different language, so they had each been issued a universal translation device to facilitate interspecies communication.

The device utilized advanced tele-quantum technology, but to Phil, it looked like a cat toy.

The journey to the center of the laboratory could be perilous. The hallways were full of monstrous alien creatures rushing about in all directions.

“Are you sufficiently rested? Your vital signs indicate fatigue.”

“It is important that you are well rested and alert for your interview sessions," scolded the supercomputer. “Full cognitive participation is vital to our experiment.”

Most of the questions were subjective, though, so there were no clear right or wrong answers.

The supercomputer asked for Phil’s opinion on everything—from art to social etiquette to physical fitness.

Other times, Phil would have to choose which of two different aromas he found most appealing.

For example, one creature shed all its skin at once, leaving a translucent replica of itself that smelled like cinnamon.

A line of hulking aliens waited in front of the meal dispenser—a large vending machine full of various vats of liquid and tangled hoses.

Each test subject was provided an appropriate portion of nutrient fluid.

So when Phil reached the front of the line, he quickly retrieved his tube of artificial sustenance and scuttled away from his reptilian admirer.

It was difficult to navigate through the throng of aliens. Phil was far too small to see over the crowd.

He enjoyed a leisurely stroll through the empty passageways, and by the time he got to his habitat, he actually felt relaxed.

The only personal possessions Phil had with him were the ones he’d had in his pockets on his last day on Earth: his wallet, a set of keys, a mobile phone (now dead), a red paisley handkerchief, a pocket magnifying glass, a chewed-up pen from a Holiday Inn, and a book of word search puzzles that had all been completed.

The space pong “court” was made of unbreakable glass in the shape of a truncated icosahedron—a massive sphere made of hexagons (the same shape as a soccer ball).

Phil turned to the scientist, who had suddenly materialized beside him in the form of a hovering mist crackling with kaleidoscopic bursts of electricity.

He stared deep into the mist, mesmerized by the flickering spectrum of lightning bolts that seemed to extend for miles within.

A precise and delicate balance is required to accommodate the needs of all three hundred forty-seven species, Vromulon X continued.

When you try it, you may wish to ask for a conveyance. A cup, perhaps?

Phil swooned.
The ice cream was delectable. Creamy and rich and sweet and cold.

An exhaust fan in the ceiling switched on and sucked up the residue.

A huge sack of slime wheezed like an accordion. A prodigious purple knot jangled like a wind chime.

“Is it real?” Phil asked the supercomputer, gawking.

Suddenly, he thought of a comeback to the floppy pancake who had insulted him earlier.

His weak insult echoed off the walls of the habitat, which made it feel cavernous and empty.

“Yeah,” said Phil as he tried to look at Heather, but she was floating so close, all he could see was a giant warped reflection of his own face.

Just then, they passed what looked like a colossal caterpillar made of silver confetti.

Though he was thoroughly enjoying his newfound size, Phil had a problem.

I have come to retrieve the machine. It’s more powerful than I had intended and cannot be entrusted to a primitive life-form.

You represent a fascinating species. Greedy, petty, and cruel, but fascinating, nonetheless.

This laboratory is just one of three hundred forty-seven laboratories that I am currently administering across eleven different dimensions.

“My greatest wish is to return home once my participation in the grand experiment is complete. I yearn to someday experience—”

“It means the experience of total and perfect reflection, during which the distinction between the physical world and the reflected world all but disappears.”

“My planet is a blazing inferno covered in magma and acid rain. The air is toxic, and the ocean is a boiling cesspool.”

Phil grumbled as Heather and Ploom discussed the finer points of alien metabolisms.