Mr. Lemoncello's All-Star Breakout Game: Chapters 1–15

It was an online puzzle game filled with fast-flipping, high-flying animated optical illusions.

“And, if I may, I now understand why The Red Badge of Courage by Stephen Crane is considered to be such an abiding, archetypical, and ageless classic.”

“Well, at least I wasn’t playing mindless video games, as you miscreants and ne’er-do-wells indubitably were.”

“But, Mrs. Yunghans,” said Kyle, “this isn’t any ordinary video game. Hell-o? It’s a Lemon-cell-o!” He tried to trill it like Haley did in the commercials.

He admits he was the agitator. The rabble-rousing ringleader. The chief mischief-maker.

“Because it needs to be said! Let the punishment fit the crime, Mrs. Yunghans. If you don’t, you’re paving the path to anarchy!”

“Nerd!” jeered Charles.

She was about six feet tall and appeared to be a detention regular.
“I didn’t mean you,” Charles replied meekly.

While they dined, Charles and his mother often commiserated about the Lemoncello library.

“It’s dangerous, demented, and disgusting,” his mother would always say.

Her hands were trembling so much, jiggling cookie crumbs danced around the dainty plate.

He especially liked Kai Kumar’s acrobatic antics on an obstacle-course game show called Sludge Dodgers. Kai was always tripping, toppling, slipping, and being slimed.

Of all the so-called winners of the rigged games at Mr. Lemoncello’s library, Haley had come out on top.

“You need to size up your competition, find their weaknesses,” his father always told him.

“You must give it a command!” coached Mr. Lemoncello.
“Narwhal!” cried Dr. Zinchenko as regally as she could. “Kindly attack yon unicorn with your glimmering horn!”

The troll trundled away.

The holographic creature reared up on its haunches and took in a deep, fire-stoking breath.

“Suggest we override this scenario, sir. Immediately.”

With a swirling flourish, he pulled a key that looked like a scrolled letter “L” out of his waistcoat.

Suddenly, Mr. Lemoncello’s top hat started to DING-DONG-DING-DONG! like a pealing church bell.

Here come a few exciting words. ‘Thrilling,’ ‘exhilarating,’ and ‘electrifying,’ all of which can be used to describe the greatest event in the history of television game shows: Mr. Lemoncello’s All-Star Breakout Game!

“No one wants to hear about your droopy underpants, you doddering old fool!”

The cord stretched itself into a taut line and then, coils reasserting themselves, snapped back into the top hat.

“Hearty and splendiferous greetings to you both.”

“Boys and girls,” said Mr. Lemoncello, “if you can solve this perplexing and befuddling brainteaser, you might be exactly the middle school students I’m looking for to star in my brand-new TV game show on Kidzapalooza!”

“I suspect you made a lucky guess,” scoffed Charles.

Charles marched into the cafeteria with his newly recruited teammates, feeling giddy.

After a tinny trumpet fanfare, the floating dots re-formed to reveal the entire string of images that would’ve been available if Hannah had needed them.

“As you’ve probably heard, we’re doing some preliminary testing out here. Trying to whittle down the contestant field.”

“A library is a books emporium,” said Miguel.

Since it was the only thing close to a video game at his grandparents’ place, Kyle had spent two solid weeks exploring the sprawling nooks and crannies of Colossal Cave Adventure.

After ten minutes, he had amassed a small fortune in treasure.

Those of you on the two winning teams will receive further instructions later this week. We will have an orientation for the game a week from Friday.

Although it grieves me to be the bearer of ill tidings, I know that if I were a parent, charged with the wearisome burden of raising an irascible middle schooler, I would want to know the following: For his inappropriate actions at Alexandriaville Middle School, your son, Kyle James Keeley, was recently reprimanded with five detentions.

Although it grieves me to be the bearer of ill tidings, I know that if I were a parent, charged with the wearisome burden of raising an irascible middle schooler, I would want to know the following: For his inappropriate actions at Alexandriaville Middle School, your son, Kyle James Keeley, was recently reprimanded with five detentions.