The Life and Crimes of Hoodie Rosen: Chapters 4–7

...at the behest of legal representation, I eat string cheese

I tore across our front lawn, avoiding Chana’s aerial assault.

“Why hello, Abba. Welcome home. I trust you had a productive and pleasant day as the primary breadwinner of this family, winning all kinds of delicious bread.”
“All right. A bit glib, but a fine start.”

“Plead the Fifth. Eat string cheese. Say nothing. Let me speak for you. Look contrite, obsequious.”

“Plead the Fifth. Eat string cheese. Say nothing. Let me speak for you. Look contrite, obsequious.”

“I didn’t do anything wrong. I did the right thing. We’re talking about the desecration of Jewish graves, an offense to—”

But if I’d been Abraham, I don’t know if I could have made the covenant with God. I could have bound my son and brought him up the mountain. This I could have done. But I don’t think I could have gone through with the sacrifice.

I pulled a plastic-encased string cheese away from its brethren, watched it separate itself along the perforated edge.

I pulled a plastic-encased string cheese away from its brethren, watched it separate itself along the perforated edge.

I peeled off thin strands of gossamer cheese with a practiced motion.

I looked down at my cheese, trying to make thinner and thinner strips, but Zippy prodded me with her elbow, imploring me to meet my dad’s gaze.

I looked down at my cheese, trying to make thinner and thinner strips, but Zippy prodded me with her elbow, imploring me to meet my dad’s gaze.

I think if you’re going to have a footwear condiment, mayo is the way to go. It has an almost orthotic viscosity, and it doesn’t stain like mustard or ketchup.

For example, after my dad quiet-yelled at me about the graffiti and Anna-Marie, I was able to retreat to my own space, and wallow in misery all by myself.

I’m stoic and void of emotion, like one of those monoliths: imposing, stalwart, unfeeling.

I’m stoic and void of emotion, like one of those monoliths: imposing, stalwart, unfeeling.

I’m stoic and void of emotion, like one of those monoliths: imposing, stalwart, unfeeling.

She was empathetic. She had an understanding smile. She didn’t condescend.

I slammed the laptop shut. It made a snap that reverberated around the kitchen.

However, I’m contractually obligated to say that we have no official affiliation with the Wrigley Company that produces Starbursts, or with Mars, Incorporated, of which the Wrigley Company is a wholly owned subsidiary.

Though, to be clear, we’re open to such an arrangement—our legal representatives can be reached at [redacted]—as we feel that a synergistic partnership could be beneficial to both parties.

The world has changed since the Talmud was first written, but what’s amazing about the Talmud is that its teachings apply to today just as they applied to biblical times, just as they will apply to the lives of the sentient robot Jews a thousand years from now.

The fear in his eyes was palpable.

That’s a most perspicacious observation, Hoodie.

The worn path doesn’t have any brambles or, like, bramble-adjacent plants in your way.

He was quiet for a minute. If I didn’t know him better, I’d say he was being introspective.

First, I would turn to Maimonides, whose thirteen principles of faith tell us that one who does not believe, one who does not obey the commandments will find himself among the heretics and the apikorsim, and will perish, while those who do follow will find eternal life.

I guess he couldn’t tell if Moshe Tzvit was patronizing him, or seriously engaging.

But instead of shooting us furtive and disapproving glances, they acted like we weren’t there, like we were invisible.

My father wasn’t the only person looking at me askance.

There were wooden benches with blue cushions and silver chandeliers hanging from the high ceiling. It had an almost regal aura to it, and you could feel the presence of God there.

The whole Gutman family is quiet, dour, serious.

Whenever anybody reprimands me, sarcasm is my go-to response.

“Now, Goldie, I hate to be so tactless, but I was never properly introduced. Can you kindly indicate which of our friends here is Cluckers?”

“Can we not anthropomorphize our food?”

This was a tactical error on Zippy’s part, because the rest of us derive a lot of pleasure from her discomfort.

We ate in cacophony, with clucking, shouting, and chewing so loud it could make your ears ring.

If you were curating a customized torture for me, one designed to maximize my level of personal suffering, this is what you’d do: have Anna-Marie text me at the beginning of the Sabbath, then have my family give me the cold shoulder all weekend, so I had absolutely nothing to do but sit around wondering what Anna-Marie had said.

My mother sequestered herself in my parents’ room.

Also, I'm extraordinarily wealthy and after we marry, you, me, and our beautiful progeny will live a life of luxury wherein we spend most of our time relaxing on matching chaise lounges, while our servant Case feeds us various fine kosher cheeses on toothpicks, and we rate them for fun.