Lawn Boy Returns: Chapters 9–13

Social and Ethical Responsibilities of Management

Arnold tried to talk to me the next morning about “establishing and implementing our official policies on hiring and firing, salary and wage structure, health and life insurance coverage, retirement, sick days, vacation, and incentive-based performance bonuses for employees.”

I was having a hard time focusing because I’d just spent the better part of a mind-numbing hour in the office/dining room with some of my employees and, as I explained to Arnold a little peevishly, I didn’t feel like giving them anything.

“You’re saying we actually need someone to manage the people who are working for us to manage the business?”
“Crazy, isn’t it? But just think—you’re stimulating the economy by giving all these people jobs.”

I probably shouldn’t tell Arnold that I heard Kathy on the phone with her boyfriend, Kurt. Must keep up morale.

“She’s busy. She wants us to do a phoner. Whatever that means. With a commercially geo-marketed syndicated radio show. Whatever that means. Today....”

The Juxtaposition of Financial Status and Jurisprudence

The Juxtaposition of Financial Status and Jurisprudence

I peeked over at Arnold for an explanation as she said, “Hi, sweetie, I’m a civil rights attorney and I heard about your terrible plight on the news. Don’t you worry about a thing from now on, because I’ve already filed a lawsuit on your behalf...."

I peeked over at Arnold for an explanation as she said, “Hi, sweetie, I’m a civil rights attorney and I heard about your terrible plight on the news. Don’t you worry about a thing from now on, because I’ve already filed a lawsuit on your behalf...."

"...I’m suing your parents for violation of child labor laws and having them served with papers immediately upon their return from this inexplicable vacation they’ve taken without you. I’m thinking of reporting them for desertion of a minor child as well,” she finished in a huff.

“Who are you?”
“I’m the attorney who wants to represent you in your emancipation suit against your parents. Don’t listen to that ambulance chaser”—he gestured toward the lipstick lady—“you’re, what, twelve? Too old to be treated like a child, but plenty old enough to sue for your right to control your own money. I think the youngest plaintiff in a successful litigation of an emancipation suit was fifteen, maybe sixteen, but we have a good case.”

“Who are you?”
“I’m the attorney who wants to represent you in your emancipation suit against your parents. Don’t listen to that ambulance chaser”—he gestured toward the lipstick lady—“you’re, what, twelve? Too old to be treated like a child, but plenty old enough to sue for your right to control your own money. I think the youngest plaintiff in a successful litigation of an emancipation suit was fifteen, maybe sixteen, but we have a good case.”

“Who are you?”
“I’m the attorney who wants to represent you in your emancipation suit against your parents. Don’t listen to that ambulance chaser”—he gestured toward the lipstick lady—“you’re, what, twelve? Too old to be treated like a child, but plenty old enough to sue for your right to control your own money. I think the youngest plaintiff in a successful litigation of an emancipation suit was fifteen, maybe sixteen, but we have a good case.”

“You both want me to sue my parents!”
“Yes.” They spoke in unison and then glared at each other.

“Don’t listen to her,” Ponytail Guy said. “She finished at the bottom of her online law school class and doesn’t know what she’s talking about. We’ll file an injunction against her suit when we file your suit before she can file an injunction against our suit to stop our suit and injunction to stop her suit. Now, if you’ll just sign here where I’ve indicated with an X.”

Miraculously, Arnold had regained his previous size and composure. “Leave the papers with our executive assistant and we’ll appraise the points you’ve raised at our soonest convenience. Thank you.” He all but shoved them out the front door.

Miraculously, Arnold had regained his previous size and composure. “Leave the papers with our executive assistant and we’ll appraise the points you’ve raised at our soonest convenience. Thank you.” He all but shoved them out the front door.

The Recognition of a Diminishing Rate of Return

When we were seated at Arnold’s picnic table, I said, “Give it to me straight.”
“The quarterly tax payments that Savannah filed triggered an audit by the Internal Revenue Service.”

When we were seated at Arnold’s picnic table, I said, “Give it to me straight.”
“The quarterly tax payments that Savannah filed triggered an audit by the Internal Revenue Service.”

“Seems the tax people are alarmed by your sudden, and dramatic, appearance on their radar. Usually, that kind of money stems from illegal activities, especially when the paper trail is so complicated and diverse. Your assets are in a slight, some might say a teeny-tiny, bit of danger of being frozen until everything is settled.”

“Can the crews still work? I’d hate for them to lose money.”
“Sure. Pasqual will collect the money from the clients as always, pay the workers and then deposit your portion into the bank account. Even if it does become frozen, you can still make deposits, you just can’t make withdrawals. If necessary, I’ll cover salaries for Frank and Lindy and Gib and Savannah until we get this muddle straightened out. I’ll make sure Joey Pow is okay too.”

“Don’t worry, we’ve filed an emergency appeal.”
“How long will that take?”
“Well, since we’re claiming this is an emergency and that many livelihoods are at stake, I’d say three to six months.”

The Entire Organization Imperiled by a Threat, Perceived or Real, to One Part

“And Zed is part of that crew,” Rock said.
“I knew he was up to no good,” I said. “His story about being family is bogus.”

We couldn’t go up against these guys in terms of force because we weren’t, you know, violent criminals. We weren’t sure it would help to report them to the cops, because no one likes a rat. And they could come after us for that later. We just needed to make enough trouble for Bruiser and his crew that they’d lose interest in hassling Joey and Grandma.

“Okay, here’s the deal,” I said when everyone had squeezed around the table. “We need to...um...neutralize our opponents, and I’m looking to each of you to, uh, play to your strengths.”

“Awesome.” Neither guy blinked at being instructed to join up with a reformed gangster who smelled strongly of urinal cakes to prank a former heavyweight champion prizefighter.

“Pasqual, Louis, Benny, these people need some yard work done. The kind that includes the improper disposal of all the animal waste you’ve collected from all the yards, you know, the accidental over-fertilization of the lawn directly under open windows. And if those windows have been mistakenly superglued open with the glue left over from Allen’s science project last spring, well, it’s an imperfect world, isn’t it?..."