Arcadia: Act 1, Scene 1

The table, the straight-backed chairs and, the only other item of furniture, the architect’s stand or reading stand, would all be collectable pieces now but here, on an uncarpeted wood floor, they have no more pretension than a schoolroom, which is indeed the main use of this room at this time.

Hers is a slim mathematics primer.

Elsewhere on the table there is an old-fashioned theodolite and also some other books stacked up.

THOMASINA: Septimus, what is carnal embrace?

SEPTIMUS: No...a shoulder of mutton, a haunch of venison well hugged, an embrace of grouse...caro, carnis; feminine; flesh.

SEPTIMUS: Yes. He was giving his brother’s wife a Latin lesson and she was hardly the wiser after it than before. I thought you were finding a proof for Fermat’s last theorem.

THOMASINA: Oh, it was not my algebra. I heard Jellaby telling cook that Mrs Chater was discovered in carnal embrace in the gazebo.

THOMASINA: Cook hushed him almost as soon as he started. Jellaby did not see that I was being allowed to finish yesterday’s upstairs’ rabbit pie before I came to my lesson. I think you have not been candid with me, Septimus. A gazebo is not, after all, a meat larder.

THOMASINA: Cook hushed him almost as soon as he started. Jellaby did not see that I was being allowed to finish yesterday’s upstairs’ rabbit pie before I came to my lesson. I think you have not been candid with me, Septimus. A gazebo is not, after all, a meat larder.

He picks up the tortoise and moves it a few inches as though it had strayed, on top of some loose papers, and admonishes it.

CHATER: You blackguard!

SEPTIMUS: I assure you. Mrs Chater is charming and spirited, with a pleasing voice and a dainty step, she is the epitome of all the qualities society applauds in her sex...

CHATER: (Shaking his head sadly) Yes, he has fallen off. I admired ‘Thalaba’ quite, but ‘Madoc’, (he chuckles) oh dear me! – but we are straying from the business here – you took advantage of Mrs Chater, and if that were not bad enough, it appears every stableboy and scullery maid on the strength –

CHATER: I have heard you, sir, and I will not deny I welcome your regard, God knows one is little appreciated if one stands outside the coterie of hacks and placemen who surround Jeffrey and the Edinburgh –

CHATER: I have heard you, sir, and I will not deny I welcome your regard, God knows one is little appreciated if one stands outside the coterie of hacks and placemen who surround Jeffrey and the Edinburgh –

SEPTIMUS: To be done right, it first requires a careful re-reading of your book, of both your books, several readings, together with outlying works for an exhibition of deference or disdain as the case merits.

CHATER: No! It was all nonsense, sir – a canard! But a fortunate mistake, sir. It brought me the patronage of a captain of His Majesty’s Navy and the brother of a countess.

CHATER: No! It was all nonsense, sir – a canard! But a fortunate mistake, sir. It brought me the patronage of a captain of His Majesty’s Navy and the brother of a countess.

The pages, drawn in watercolours, show ‘before’ and ‘after’ views of the landscape, and the pages are cunningly cut to allow the latter to be superimposed over portions of the former, though Repton did it the other way round.

BRICE: Is Sidley Park to be an Englishman’s garden or the haunt of Corsican brigands?

SEPTIMUS: Madam, I regret the gazebo, I sincerely regret the gazebo – and the boat-house up to a point – but the Chinese bridge, fantasy! – and the shrubbery I reject with contempt! Mr Chater! – would you take the word of a jumped-up jobbing gardener who sees carnal embrace in every nook and cranny of the landskip!

SEPTIMUS: That is the main difference. (To BRICE) I teach the classical authors. If I do not elucidate their meaning, who will?

LADY CROOM: Do not dabble in paradox, Edward, it puts you in danger of fortuitous wit.

LADY CROOM: Do not dabble in paradox, Edward, it puts you in danger of fortuitous wit.

LADY CROOM: Thomasina, you had better remain. Your knowledge of the picturesque obviously exceeds anything the rest of us can offer. Mr Hodge, ignorance should be like an empty vessel waiting to be filled at the well of truth – not a cabinet of vulgar curios.

LADY CROOM: ...Where there is the familiar pastoral refinement of an Englishman’s garden, here is an eruption of gloomy forest and towering crag, of ruins where there was never a house, of water dashing against rocks where there was neither spring nor a stone I could not throw the length of a cricket pitch.

LADY CROOM:...My hyacinth dell is become a haunt for hobgoblins, my Chinese bridge, which I am assured is superior to the one at Kew, and for all I know at Peking, is usurped by a fallen obelisk overgrown with briars –
.

LADY CROOM:...My hyacinth dell is become a haunt for hobgoblins, my Chinese bridge, which I am assured is superior to the one at Kew, and for all I know at Peking, is usurped by a fallen obelisk overgrown with briars –

LADY CROOM: I cannot relieve Lord Little’s misfortunes by adding to my own. Pray, what is this rustic hovel that presumes to superpose itself on my gazebo?

NOAKES: That is the hermitage, madam.

LADY CROOM: But Sidley Park is already a picture, and a most amiable picture too. The slopes are green and gentle. The trees are companionably grouped at intervals that show them to advantage. The rill is a serpentine ribbon unwound from the lake peaceably contained by meadows on which the right amount of sheep are tastefully arranged – in short, it is nature as God intended, and I can say with the painter, ‘Et in Arcadia ego!’ ‘Here I am in Arcadia,’ Thomasina.

LADY CROOM: Thirteen years and ten months. She is not due to be pert for six months at the earliest, or to have notions of taste for much longer.

THOMASINA: Pop, pop, pop...I have grown up in the sound of guns like the child of a siege. Pigeons and rooks in the close season, grouse on the heights from August, and the pheasants to follow – partridge, snipe, woodcock, and teal – pop – pop – pop, and the culling of the herd.

THOMASINA: Well, I am sorry, Septimus. (She pauses in her drawing and produces a small envelope from her pocket.) Mrs Chater came to the music room with a note for you. She said it was of scant importance, and that therefore I should carry it to you with the utmost safety, urgency and discretion. Does carnal embrace addle the brain?

THOMASINA: Well, I am sorry, Septimus. (She pauses in her drawing and produces a small envelope from her pocket.) Mrs Chater came to the music room with a note for you. She said it was of scant importance, and that therefore I should carry it to you with the utmost safety, urgency and discretion. Does carnal embrace addle the brain?